Mirror Image

Have you ever looked in the mirror and a stranger was staring back at you?  You couldn't figure out who this person was, that had fallen so low, that had done such things, that had sunk to such depths.  The person that had accomplished the things you could list on the resume of your life no longer seemed like they were done by you, but rather some strange, older and better version of you that you couldn't ever remember being.  I know that feeling.  Because it happened to me.

Do you need to know how bad it got for me?  Not really.  Life happened, and it changed me. 

I became someone I couldn't recognize.  That I couldn't like.  That I couldn't stand. Can you relate to that?  Being the one person on this Earth you dislike the most?  I didn't think of suicide, no, I was too proud for that.  But I prayed for peace.  And not a happy healthy peace.  I prayed that I just...stopped existing.  That I just didn't wake up. That I just...DIDN'T.  Anymore.  Because I didn't want to.  And in the meantime, while I waited for lightning to strike me or someone to randomly crash into me, I existed.  Not lived.  I definitely went through the motions, but just barely...and not very well.  Every day seemed like the one before it.  I couldn't name one good thing, or one bad thing that happened...not for a day or a week, but months.  Then years.  I stopped being able to tell you when things happened to me, because the passage of time meant nothing.  I celebrated the marking of each new day in the same way.  After awhile, every single morning started the same.  With a sigh.  Well, I'm still here.  Guess I'll get to this business of living.  Except I wasn't.

And something extraordinary happens when you stop feeling.  NOTHING.  That's what.  Nothing happens.  You stop taking part in your own life.  You watch it pass you by in a series of workdays, and errands and meals, and bills and phone calls where you tell no one anything about yourself and you just...wait until it's time to go to sleep.

I began to do unhealthy things to speed up that time in between sleep cycles (which rarely involved actual sleep).  I just wanted to...skip.  Literally just fast forward through each day to get to the next.  Not in anticipation of future events, but just because nothing special ever happened.  My days were empty, in a way that defies description.  Just try and imagine a day where nothing good happens, and nothing bad happens, and you eat or not, and you drink or not, and you watch something or not, and you smile or you frown and you stare at the walls and you wake up or maybe you never went to sleep and then it's off to the races because here we go again.  Day.  After. Day.

But I've been through a journey.  An awakening some like to call it.  I learned, that life is worth living.  I learned that starting over one more time, yes yet again for the 100th time, was okay.  And not just okay, but worth it.  I learned that hard days will be hard.  And life will kick you in the ass.  And you will feel like shit, most of the time for a long time and it will get frustrating, and maddening.  But there are better days ahead.  I haven't seen them yet, but for the first time in a long time I believe in the existence of a future worth sticking around for.

I watched that show 13 Reasons Why and I thought to myself...well you know what, her life didn't even suck that much, not compared to mine.  But I'm still here.  Something kept me here.  And it wasn't me.  Because I wasn't strong enough.  I didn't care enough.  I wasn't enough...enough.  So I began to believe, that there was something greater than myself out there.  Some force that had a somewhat vested interest in the way my life turned out.  And that was enough for me. Do I need to know the inner workings of electricity to understand that when I turn on a switch I will have light?  Do I even think about it?  No, I just take for granted that if I do A, B will happen.  And all that pressure I put on this great all and powerful Oz-esque being?  Not necessary to believe.  I was finally okay with things just being what they were.  It has been said that God is for those who are afraid to go to hell.  Spirituality is for those who have already been there.  Well, I've been there.  And in many ways, I'm still here, but I'm digging my way out.  I can't do it alone, because I already would have, or never let myself get here in the first place.  Those times when I didn't have enough strength, gumption or hell, enough fucks to give...something...something kept me breathing.  Because if it was up to me, I would have quit long ago.  I didn't want to actively hurt myself.  I just wanted to not do anything.  Ever.  Something kept me.  A power greater than myself, greater than whatever I had in me, that spark, that THING...kept me.  Call it what you want.  God works as good a name as any.  The point is to believe in something and to try and be of maximum service to one another. Sounds like positive shit to me, whoever is behind it.  Create your own special hero in your life, and give all of your cares, burdens, worries and fears over.  Man do you know how freeing it is to let that stuff go!  Oh you want this shit show of a life I have?  Well you asked for it.  Everyone must find their own conception of what this power is.  When you personalize it to yourself, only then can you truly believe and trust and let go.  It worked for me when nothing else could.

So no, while I don't feel like I have a handle on this shit, I'm hopeful.  And I'm trying like hell.  And I have a friend that's going through some things right now and I wanted to scream, no, don't ask me, I am FUCKED UP, I can't help anyone!  But then I found myself sharing my thoughts..my true, honest thoughts with her and I realized I actually believed what I was saying.  I actually believed that things will get better, and that there is a better way.  So I will end this with some advice (which she's approved me sharing).  No, that sounds like I know what the hell I'm talking about.  I will end this with some words of encouragement to anyone that might be struggling.  I hope it helps.

I know how much things can suck.  But I can truly promise you that it does get better.  Slowly...painstakingly slowly.  So slowly you barely notice it sometimes because you think nothing is changing, but suddenly one day, you notice things are different.

Gods timing is not our own.  It took me a long time to believe that, because it sounded like bullshit people say when they can't think of real words to comfort you when the shit you're going through is worse than anything they've ever had to personally deal with.  But it's true.  We don't control everything, and we shouldn't try to because that shit is exhausting.

Lastly, life is going to suck sometimes.  And other times it's going to REALLY suck.  And yet still there will be other times when it will kick your ass when you're down like you stole something.  But here's the thing.  When you fall...and don't be surprised because it's bound to happen, but when you fall...FALL FORWARD.  Because THAT is where you want to go.

It's okay to feel too much.  And it's okay to feel not enough.  And it's even okay to not feel a fucking thing.
SOMETIMES.
It's okay to be in a bad place, because life is tough and it's different for all of us and there's no handy instruction manual.
So it really is okay to be down, and to get stuck in a bad place.  It's NOT okay to stay there.  Even when you don't see a way out.  Keep going.  You might not see a way out, but....never stop searching.

Lastly, ask for help.  It's brave because it's hard. Doing things the easy way only prolongs the inevitable demise of your constantly plummeting life.  Use your resources.  Believe people when they say they want to help , because helping you may truly help them just as much.  I wrote this because I have been in a funk, a true, this just isn't really worth it mood.  But when my friend needed help, telling her what I hoped she needed to hear...I needed to hear it too.  And it led me to write this blog, because so many people are suffering that don't have someone they'll reach out to and tell how they're feeling.

I haven't written a blog in years.  Until today.  It gets better.